Sometimes throughout the day, I start to think a lot. I think about people that I miss, I think about people that I've not talked to in a while, I think about people I've not seen in a long time.
I think about how the person is doing, and I pray to The Lord wishing that they're happy and doing fine in their life. I think about people whom I've lost in my life, about people who've drifted from me with time, and just about the friends that have come into my life before, whether or not they're still playing a part in my life. Sometimes they just come to mind and after awhile I find myself missing them quite abit.
Today I was bathing when I suddenly thought about lei, and I thought about my aunt whom I'm really close to but have not talked to for quite some time already. I thought of texting them right after I get out of the shower but I just held on to that thought as I would be pretty preoccupied throughout the whole of today and wouldn't have time to reply them quickly so I just kept them in my thoughts and prayers.
Then I find it amazing how when I ended my day today, suddenly, I received Whatsapp messages from both lei and my aunt asking how I'm doing and stuff and I just felt speechless.
Maybe God helped transfer my message to them and inspired them to ask about me because I was thinking about them, but nonetheless, I am so thankful.
God just works in amazing ways. I'm also thankful for my soul.
I really am so thankful how I feel I'm changing and transforming every single day to improve myself to become someone even more worthy of God's precious love each day.
I used to have many many flaws. I don't know if some of you know me that well, cause maybe to some people who only know me as a normal friend, I may come off as a rather okay person who's friendly and enthu & stuff, but actually those who truly know me know the flaws that I try to hide at times.
I am an insecure freak. I'm not even kidding about the insecurities that I suffered from. They tormented me every single day. I always felt like I was extremely inferior compared to many other girls, be it in terms of looks, figure, smarts, abilities, skills etc. Basically everything. I was extremely afraid of people judging me. Extremely.
Right now, I still haven't completely 100% gotten over the fear of people judging me, but at least now I've learnt to control it better. Anyway back to my insecurities, I went to bed every night feeling this heavy weight weighing down on my chest because of my insecurities, that sometimes I would cry myself to sleep.
And the next day I'd wake up initially feeling alright and slightly numb, but then the moment I really get up, the insecurities haunt me again and everyday felt like a living nightmare with this heavy burden on my chest.
Though I was happy on the exterior, extremely loud, extremely outgoing and talkative, enthu, rah-rah, etc, but at the end of the day, when I get back home and when I'm alone, I reflect on myself and come to a conclusion that.. I'm just too act, too fake that people are actually judging me behind my back.
I do not know why I had thoughts like that in the past, but these thoughts always got me down.
After I was really noisy with my friends, in the bus, in the shopping centre, after I laughed really loudly to my heart's content with my friends, then after we'd say goodbye and left on our own, I'd think about how LOUD I was just now and start judging myself for acting in an exaggerative manner that I felt people really disliked. (But I did not exaggerate, I was just being my usual comfortable noisy self.. But I just felt it was too much)
I'm not sure if you guys understand what I mean when I say all these, but basically, life was hard to get through because of all these insecurities and expectations I had of myself that I felt I was never able to achieve.
Also because of my insecurities, I always had the fear of feeling left out. I always felt left out extremely easily. Sometimes I may show it extremely obviously, but sometimes I try to act like I'm okay when I'm actually not. I really really disliked sitting at the corner or at the side because I felt like people won't talk to me because I sat at the side and I felt left out and empty on one side. That's why seating was always an issue for me, because I always tried to not sit at the side. Always. When I sit at the side sometimes cause it can't be helped, I may act like oh it's alright, and though I still talk and stuff, but inside my heart, it was completely hollow, empty, afraid.
I also got jealous extremely easily. They say it's a trait of one with the Scorpio horoscope sign, maybe it's true. But I used to really hate admitting this flaw of mine because it would make me seem like some control freak of her friends and maybe boyfriend if I have one, so I really didn't like to admit this. If my friends got closer to each other and I felt left out, I would feel jealous really easily and sometimes I'd slightly ignore the person because I didn't know what to say to them. But it wasn't their fault, it was I that was too sensitive & because I got jealous too dang easily.
I also had a rather bad temper, but not towards my friends. But towards the people that I was really close to and my family members. I guess it's because I knew them too well that I could "bully" them in a way, like I knew that they would always be there for me, so I kind of took them for granted and didn't treat them the way they deserved to be treated. Ah no ah I did NOT abuse them or whatever if that's what you're thinking based on my previous sentence HAHAHA but it was more like I got easily annoyed if they asked me too many questions or basically I just had a shorter temper when I was with them. I didn't talk to them as well as compared to the way I talked to my normal friends.
Why am I even condemning myself so much and just coming clean with all my flaws?? I'm sure y'all are wondering right. I hope all of you are still my friends and loyal blog readers (if there are any HAHA)
I'm coming clean with all my flaws, because they have now come to become a thing of the past. Because I have met my savior in life.
All these flaws that used to plague me every single freaking day have been thrown away to the pit of nothingness ever since I began to really know God.
For those of u who know me better, I've know God for 10 years now. 10 years.
Ever since P3 when Es evangelized me.
However, I only had very basic and surface knowledge of who God is and what's God like. Hence my relationship with God was never a real true solid one that lasted, until the start of this year 2014.
I felt like God reached out to me at the right time this year. Really.
I was afraid of talking about God before, especially on my blog because, refer to flaw number 1, I was afraid of people judging me for suddenly becoming so supportive of God and for believing in God. But nah that flaw's out hahaha.
And now I'm also no longer afraid to share about God & what I've experienced because I feel, I've truly been blessed with this beautiful & perfect gift of God's immense love towards me that I really just want to share this love with everyone else, for us to all experience this perfectly and to rejoice together!!
Every single day, I'm learning to control my flaws, to get rid of my flaws, and to become an even greater person worthy of God's perfect love.
Maybe I'll share more about this soon in another post haha cause for now I feel really sleepy & god's waiting for me in dreamland now hahaha so byeeeee~
xoxoxoxoxo Basking in the eternal love of God
