I guess I haven't really.

Today I saw your friend.

He saw me too & he was with his girlfriend & I'm not sure if he remembers me but I definitely do remember him. 

I guess for a second when we made eye contact & it hit me that he was so damn familiar, it seemed as though he recognized me but I guess I immediately looked away for some reason so it stopped there. 

I thought I would feel alright, neutral, normal, nothing at all when I see anything related to you. I really did. I thought. Ever since your b'day I'd just be pfft. Whatever it's all just.. I've gotten over it completely, COMPLETELY. 

But it seems. It proves that till now whatever I see that's somehow related to u, as Ms Leong says "Alarm bells should start ringing in your head." It did, to my heart as well. 

I want to make a clean break. I want to just close this chapter in my life once & for all. But for one, I guess I just have many questions and stuff that I wish I knew more about. But I also wish it would remain this way. I wish I wouldn't know. I wish I wouldn't bump into u any day. Because I won't know what to do. I'll probably get a panic attack. I'm not even kidding. 

Maybe on your part it's real simple, you're all perfect & alright & all, & u've forgotten everything that ever happened before.

Omg I'm such a wreck. 

There's so many things I wanna rant out here somehow but I'm afraid somehow u'll see this. 

Please don't let my heart be so afraid any longer, let me officially close this heavy thick chapter in my life and move on. 

You know sometimes I create scenarios in my head. I think of instances which might happen such as if I suddenly bump into u unexpectedly. I thought of an instance where we might bump into each other at the MRT station. 

I'd be with my friends, laughing & talking, and u'd be standing at the side, carrying ur black backpack, just waiting for the train. Then maybe W may spot u first or sth, & she'll suddenly give me a really shocked look & pull me away to let me know that ur there. & I'd start panicking until suddenly u randomly turned around & u saw me. & the normal nice perfect ending I imagined of would be of me giving a small smile & u giving another smile back, then we'd just take it as that.

I imagined another scenario also at the MRT but I'm alone, & so are u. & I see u first & I am kinda shocked & my heart takes a dip dive, but then I just stay at where I am. You randomly turned around & are also surprised to see me there. 

You come over nicely to say hi with a smile, like you'd just met a new stranger for the first time or a normal acquaintance. I'd reply back with a "Hi." with a smile & then we'd start talking about school & how we're doing & complain about the A levels, like normal chill friends. That'd be cool.

But I'm just worried I won't even react as well if I truly bump into u one day. I won't know if I'd be able to say a word. It'll all seem so surreal I presume. 

Seeing your Friend already made me panick & feel so uneasy, seeing you would be.. 

Phew. I guess wherever you are, if you're reading this by any chance (I kinda hope not I guess) Hope all is well & Thanks.

Okayy bedtime peeps. 

Goodnight.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo 只想再次让我心静下来。