What's wrong with me.

Yet again, it's one of those late nights. Early mornings.

It's 12.57am right now.

I'm literally lying body flat on the bed while blogging this post.

I can sleep.

But I just somehow refuse to go to bed.

It's as if something's bothering me, but I'm not exactly sure myself what's the exact thing bothering me right now.

The PSI these few days have been really bad. Like just now, it was 190 at 8pm & in just an HOUR, it escalated to 290.

& at 10pm it was 321.

Thankfully I'm still alive & well & typing this blogpost right now. Haha.

I'm worried for mid years. I'm so worried I can start crying right now cause I'm just so afraid. I've been trying to study, having some rather productive study dates with friends & stuff but somehow I feel it's not enough.. Like it still won't guarantee I'll do decently well for mid years.

But I'm afraid. I'm afraid what if even though I had already worked so damn hard for the mid years this holiday, I still..

I still do not get the results I want.

I'm afraid I would then feel really demoralized. 

I'm afraid I would then truly feel like giving up. 

And then. I won't even have to think about taking As anymore.

I'm afraid. 

I've been thinking, what if I'm really unprepared. I'm really not ready. What if I.. What if I U-turn.

& then the first thought that comes to mind are.. My parents. 

Even now when they ask me about my results, I can't look them directly in the eye like before to tell them, "I'm doing fine, don't worry about my results. I can cope perfectly well." When in actual fact, I know perfectly well, I can't. 

I just want to get this all over & done with as soon as possible. In a way, I wish JC life wasn't so academically inclined, I'm sure I'd be enjoying my life much better than how I'm "enjoying" it now.

I want JC life to end as much as I don't want it to. Contradicting & ironic huh?

I want JC life to end. To end the torture of A levels, of studying so hard & cramming all those information which I'm quite sure 90% of which I won't even be using after As. 

I do not want JC life to end. I love my class. I love my classmates. I love the environment, the principal, & everything there. 

You know times when u feel just really tired of everything? Tired of having to seem like you're okay, tired of being tired, especially. 

I wish I would wake up each day with a good purpose in life & a happier heart. 

I don't want to be trapped like this everyday, awaiting & counting down days to meet my doom. I don't wanna live like that. Because if life were like this, there would be no purpose. 

I feel like I can't breathe (& it's not only cause of the haze okay, I mean I don't literally mean it literally, but oh u get what I mean.) & I think this heavy weight on my chest would only be lifted when As are over, when I say As are over, it means when I'm sure of myself, that I did my best for As, & I'm going to do well. 

Because I want to prove to myself. Prove to myself that I CAN do it. Prove to myself that I'm not all that useless, that I'm good at something. That I'm.. Yea. 

Right now, all I want to focus on, are my studies. I want to do well in my studies, I want to get into a good University, either a good local U (SMU), or an Australian University. 

I want to tell myself, that no matter what happens, believe that as long as you've done your best, that's all that really matters. 

Ugh & that's when I start to think, & I start to contradict my own encouragement.

"What if your best is not the best?" 

"What if you did your best, but your best is just.. Unsatisfactory?"

I won't say I'm a perfectionist, but I also won't say that I'm one to set small & extremely realistic goals for myself. In fact, I have rather strict demands of myself in certain areas, & recently, especially academically.

I want to do well. It's as though the fighting spirit in me has just begun to fight, begun to prepare for the exams ahead of me. But then there's that me somewhere inside also starting to admit defeat, starting to tell myself that the pressure is too great, it's impossible to succeed. But I guess I shall not listen to that voice, because I want to show myself that I can do it. 

Well, after talking so much, ranting so much, I just gotta do my best for mid years, & no matter what the result is, it's alright, because it's not A Levels just yet, I shall just learn from my mistakes & start all over again. 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo C'mon Jiawen, don't get beaten down so easily. You're stronger than this.