Insecurities why hello.

I feel so messed up.

I feel so insecure all of a sudden, it just.

I can feel alright then all of a sudden something small happens and I get so so so damn insecure no words can describe this feeling. 

It's like a was walking on normal concrete plain ground & all of a sudden without warning a hole from the ground opens and swallows me whole, without even leaving time for me to leave a gasp.

You know that kind of feeling?

I don't want to have to rant all these each time I feel insecure but I always do feel insecure and it kills me. Each time.

I pray. I prayed. Sometimes it helps a little bit. For a little while. Then I feel a little bit better. For a little while. Then suddenly it'll get difficult for me to breathe again then the insecurity creeps back into my heart like a virus. 

For one, I really have trust issues.

Each day I don't place hope in even being able to trust anyone, even those that may seem close to me. I just. It's not their fault or their problem or anything, it's plainly my fault my problem. 

I can't trust. 

Trust is such a delicate word to me.

When I say "I trust you." 

Believe me, it took me mountains & days & so much courage for me to even say out or type out those simple three words.

So please, do not take them for granted if I tell them to you. 

I hate how I'm so insecure that after I say out these words to anyone I'll be insecure already because I won't know if they deserve my trust. I am that lousy.

I don't know why I'm like that & it really irks me sometimes to think so much but I do. 

I know how much it hurts to have someone betray your trust or to have someone disappoint the expectations you have of them. 

I don't even know what's gotten into me to say all these here cause I doubt anyone even reads this, but I guess I just need an avenue to let all these out because it's getting kinda stuffy having to keep all these thoughts and insecurities and fears within myself for so long. 

It seems as though I have everything, but sometimes I still feel afraid, scared, & sometimes I just wish for someone I fully trust to always be by my side assuring me that things are fine, things will be fine & that everything's gonna be okay. And I can go to bee secure & fine because I trust the words that someone says to me & I know everything's alright, I AM thinking too much. 

Omg what am I doing tmr's my chem prelims & here I am feeling insecure over I don't even know what.

I just suddenly miss old friends. Miss old times. Miss hanging out with people who made me feel like myself, & people whom I don't have to pretend to be around. People whom I am happy to hang out with. People who truly make me laugh out loud. 

I love you. Whoever is reading this. Thanks for taking time to read this if u even read up till here. Haha.

Goodnight. 

xoxoxoxoxoxo Insecurities please be gone. I hate you.