Blah.

I don't wanna do GP AQ anymore.

Sigh so sian, for real. 

2009 GP A level paper is so tough omg.

Small promises that mean the world to me may not mean as much to others but they really mean so much to me even if sometimes some people may have just said it in passing. 

It somehow gives me faith in them & hope that one day they will fulfill that simple promise that simple task. 

And well, sometimes if it isn't met I guess I only have myself to blame for expecting too much from people sometimes.

I'm sorry for caring so much sometimes but I can't help it. 

Sometimes I wonder if it's truly worth it to give out so much to people if you just know you won't get anything back or anything out of it.

The higher the expectations, the harder the fall when they aren't met. 

Been there, felt that. Bad.

You know I guess I was just thinking a lot again.

But I suddenly remembered what a stranger asked me:

"You prepare all these for them, how nice! But how will u know if they will be doing the same back for you?"

It kinda stumped me for a moment, but I remember I still did reply & I think I just replied with a smile.

I want to be positive & upbeat about all these, really. I want to be confident & reply her saying "Well yes I'm sure & I believe they will appreciate our intentions & give us back in return as well."

But then there will be this small voice again questioning my once positive mindset on this.

It's ironic really. How I always encourage others, always always always encourage people, asking them to be more optimistic, asking them to look on the bright side, assuring them that the bad will pass, you will get back in return, ur hard work will pay off etc etc etc.

But suddenly, if I were to text myself or tell myself this from a third part point of view, I'd probably laugh at myself & say that I'm too naïve.

I will. 

Omg I don't know. I hate how pessimistic I'm becoming someone please please please save me. I need someone positive to positive me up again. 

I keep thinking the worst of things & now I feel so insecure because I somehow feel as though all that I've done are in vain. 

I'm really not saying that I had even expected much or anything in the first place, but I guess as a human, I expected something. Small or big I expected something.

But I'm just worried reality will hit me harder than expected. 

I don't want to have regrets.

Please please let me continue to do good, to give out to others without expecting anything in return.

All I want sometimes is some encouragement, some words to encourage me to thank me for all that I've done, to keep me motivated to keep going to keep doing all that I've been doing for others, & not let what I've been doing go to vain & not be accepted or to even be taken for granted by others.

I really really really cannot tolerate being taken for granted by others. 

I need someone to keep me sane.

xoxoxoxoxoxo I need some QT. Pronto.