Insane.

I've so much to say.

But they're all jumbled up in my heart and mind I can't seem to put them into words.
I want to talk to someone, to just cry it out because keeping it all in myself is just too torturing.
Es, if u see this, call me asap okay.

It's just about so many things.
So many things that accumulate and add up to make me feel so horrible inside.
Now there's a big lump in my throat and even breathing is torturous.

Maybe going overseas to work/study would be good for a change.
Now there's even a chance for me to go to New Zealand to work plus holiday for a few months so.. why not?

I've just come to a point where I get so sick of everything I want a getaway. A change, a change of people I meet, a change of environment.

But will I be brave enough to do everything on my own? 'Fraid not.

I always always always tell myself that I'm strong enough to do this, strong enough to endure through all these shit that I'm facing. But honestly, am I?

Now I feel so aimless, directionless, I don't know where I'm supposed to go what I'm supposed to do, I need to find myself once more.

I'm sick of crying, I've cried countless of times today and I'm crying still and that sucks.

I keep pushing people away because I'm afraid that once I let them in, and when it's time for them to go, I would not be able to take it as well and it hurts like crap and I don't want to go there. It's too much for me to bear.
That's why it hurts even more when I willingly open up to people to let them in knowing that in the end  the one being hurt the most would still be me.

I don't believe in love, or having a solid relationship that lasts for eternity. Or more that I don't want to believe in that. I've seen so many, so so many failed cases. That only causes more hurt and pain not only to the two people involved, but also to other parties not directly involved in the breakup.

I'm going to build walls around my heart, this time I don't want to be the dumb one, the stupid one that always makes the wrong decisions, the one who's crying in front of the computer right now, the one who's lost.

I was too dumb, too naive, too caring I only brought more harm towards myself.

I'm not saying I will start to become a completely ignorant person who's totally unfeeling and uncaring, but I should come with a warning label that I will start to push you away if I feel I or You are getting too close to me. I'm sorry. I just can't. Anymore.

What for love someone so much, put them above all things, only in return you don't even get what you think you would get.

I always get insecure by friends, always. And now you're telling me even with my family my heart can't be at peace?
Omg. Omg Es please come back soon I Can't.

I guess in this world, everyone is an individual warrior.
I've got to learn to watch my own back, to protect myself, to take care of myself first.

 我不想再痛了

xoxoxoxoxo Don't you ever say I just walked away.