Hanging.

You know it's like you trusted someone, you were so used to having that person in your life everyday. You could tell that person stuff, you felt like you weren't alone, you could depend on someone trustworthy enough. 

Then suddenly one day, the person left. Without a word, without a reason, without anything in particular. 

You begin to question & blame yourself for being boring, for being uninteresting enough, you applaud yourself for becoming so dependent on someone that you did not prepare yourself for the day when this happened. 

And you just feel.. Missing.

You'd feel like there's this part that had grown over time to become a part of you, suddenly taken away without plausible rhyme or reason, and what's left is a dent where the piece should have been. Maybe time will let the dent grow back to it's original shape before the part grew on the body, but no matter what, the dent would never recover to be as perfect as it used to be before. 

I felt like God spoke to me when I heard the story:

God loved his people. He gave them whatever they wanted & helped them whenever they cried out to The Lord. He showered blessings upon his people & too care of them & went out of his way to ensure that only the best was given to them. The people, even after receiving these blessings, turned to other Gods instead to give thanks, showering other Gods with sacrifices & offerings, instead of being thankful for what God, the one God that has been taking care of them all these while, has done for them. They were ignorant & thanked the other Gods for giving them what they needed, when it wasn't the other Gods doing all those stuff. It wasn't. 

I understood what God went through. I could feel thoroughly & understand his pain & how he must have felt.

When you care about someone enough to place their needs above your own. You regard them as someone that means something to you, you take care of them, do things for them, but in the end, it's one thing not to be thankful, but another to turn to other people & give thanks to someone who may not have helped u as much, to someone who may not care for u as much. 

They say "once bitten, twice shy".

I hate myself. I hate myself for never learning from my mistakes. I hate myself for always just creating trouble for myself to handle alone. I hate myself for always giving greater emphasis to others & getting my priorities wrong at the expense of my own happiness. 

I claim that I do not trust easily. But in actual fact, all I want is someone whom I can feel safe in trusting that I know will always be there when I need someone I can confide in. That's why in the midst of exploring & finding people, I'll tell people stuff about myself, & I'll slowly by slowly give them more of my trust. 

But now, I'm honestly tired of trying. 

It sucks each time. 

I always assure myself that I'm better now, I'm feeling better now, I'm recovering well, I don't care anymore, I shouldn't think too much anymore, it's over, it's not going to happen again.

Then something happens to make me feel so inferior all over again. 

With prayer. I can overcome & be alright again. Because I have to remind myself that God understands what I'm going through & I'll be fine.

I don't want to hate you. 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo But I don't want you to come back as well.