Crappy

You know those nights when u just somehow feel like crap. 

And you reflect on what kind of a person you are & suddenly all your flaws stand out & u feel ashamed of yourself for having that many flaws.

And you start agreeing & convincing yourself unknowingly how much of a loser you are, to support those flaws that you have.

"You're so boring people that used to talk to u all the time, don't anymore."

Then now I pray & I feel slightly better, for I suddenly remember that there's someone who loves me the way I am, flaws & all, & won't judge me for who I am.

Anywaysssss this morning I was really happy that finally... I received some news from a university!! 

I'm just so thankful. 

Even though FASS was my first choice, up till now I'm still not sure of what I want exactly.

I don't know which is the right course for me, which is the most beneficial course for me in my future, or which is the course I would LIKE to take up in Uni.

I don't know.

I realise my life has been filled with I don't knows. 

Ever since even secondary school, sometimes when people ask me important questions that require a yes or no definite answer, I'd still give the usual "I don't know." answer.

And I remember they'll always get annoyed with me like "What do u mean u don't know? Is it more to a yes or more to a no or what?"

And then again I, the annoying one, days the usual.

But I've never really known what I want in life exactly. 

I know in my previous or previous previous post I forgot which, I did say I had a vision of what I would be doing in future, but it all seems so far away & I don't even know what I can do now that would help me achieve that vision when I'm older.

I love to talk. I honestly like doing sales, but having been doing sales these past two days made me realise that though at the start it really gave me a sense of achievement to be able to sell stuff well & have customers, later on I get exhausted easily & it really sucks being annoyed with some customers yet not being able to show how annoyed u are & u have to continue to pretense with smiles & agreeing with whatever they say. 

I mean well that's how it is, as everyone says, but yea I'm just saying, that feeling sucks.

So I won't wanna be doing full time sales, unless maybe I'll go into those big time sales where after selling just one or two products then it's enough to last me for awhile, that kind. Then yea, possible.

Or else I was thinking of getting in marketing.

Then I like doing presentations & presenting in front of people to promote & sell the product. So it'll also in a way mean I have a good reason to spend on myself to doll myself up to make myself presentable as well, okay I mean that as a side bonus, but I also get to sell products to a large number of people all at once, not like one by one begging people to purchase my stuff. 

& I really like the OP part of PW in J1 as well, so I guess that really suits me haha.

I won't wanna touch going into doing admin, facing the computer 24/7 kinda jobs if I could. Unless the pay's good, working environment nice, then maybe.. Just maybe I might consider.. At least for awhile. 

Ah well. At least I feel kinda secure (a teensy weensy bit more) that at least I have a place in NUS FASS (Thank you God) so I just hope SMU & NTU will also get back to me soon!!! 

Oh yes & now updates to my life:

For some of u people reading this (don't know if have people not anyway hahaha) 

Who don't have instagram or twitter or haven't met me for like a long time....

I CUT MY HAIR.. SHORT!

Like I think a week ago (?)

Pardon my shameless selfie hahaha.

But yea okay it's not like extremely short cause I think I would need more courage to have such a big change haha.

But well, considering how HOT it is in s'pore now, I just decided to chop it shorter from this

It's still quite a lot (to me at least) okay hahaha

I actually also wanted a change I guess.

I even thought of a caption for myself when I went to cut my hair, to accompany the picture I was going to post on insta, "New hair, new me." 

Oh. Kay. Suddenly it sounds super lame after typing it out, but it sounded quite cool to me in my head. Whatever. 

But in the end I didn't post on insta cause yet again I was afraid of what people would say of this change of hairstyle haha.

I'm just constantly so afraid of people judging me I don't know.

This is my phobia kay hahaha.

I know it doesn't matter what people think, it's what I think that matters bla bla, that's what I always tell people to encourage them as well, but somehow I can't seem to encourage myself effectively that way haha.

I still effectively manage to convince myself that people will talk. About me looking ugly & horrid with short hair or sth like that. 

But haha thankfully so far I think no one said anything really negative about it, except for BFF getting all OMG what happened, did sth happen that's why I made such a big change, & Cas saying I look older *glares* HAHAHA 

Yeap I think so far it looks okay.. Haha I think & sincerely hope.

But I kinda also can't wait for it to grow out long again haha I still miss my long hair okay. Not extremely long, but well, long-er than now. 

& Es & I just went to Cas' concert, Glissando 2014, to support her & it was an awesome concert full stop

Haha I don't want & I'm lazy to elaborate further. So. Just know it was amazing. *smiley face*

& I'm happy that so far I've quite a colourful job history:

6th to 17th Jan:

Singtel Promoter

11th to 18th Feb:

Receptionist

The Bank of New York Mellon

21st Feb:

Receptionist 

National Australia Bank Asia Ltd

31st March:

Data Entry

BSC Information Systems

5th April:

IT Promoter 

Sandisk

11-12April:

Kit Kat Promoter

Moncint

Hahaha so gonna work more adhoc jobs haha so I'm excited. Tehe.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo I guess I just need more courage. I'm just too afraid to ask why, what happened.