Rants and Happy things. (:

I know at this time I'm supposed to be working hard on my PW.
At this time, I'm supposed to be doing my I&R.
I'm supposed to be practicing and rehearsing my script for OP.
I'm not supposed to be doing anything else.
But you know what?
I'm really afraid I may just collapse one day. Just collapse like that.
Be it cause of stress, be it cause I'm just too tired.
Or just cause I need a rest. I need a break.
A break from everything I'm going through right now.
I won't exactly say I'm in the worst state now, I mean I believe there are more people who may be worse off as compared to me.
But sometimes I really feel tired.
After all, I'm only human.
I can't be the happy smiling laughing funny Jiawen that's always doing crazy stuff to bring laughter to those around me.
There are times when I want to just tone down for awhile and I wish there would be people to make me laugh instead.
Do unto others what you want others to do unto you, correct?
Sometimes, that small part of me just wants to try to be quiet for awhile, just to sit back and not do much and see who would even bother to come over to talk to me. Say hi to me.
I want to know who would want to talk to me not cause they have to, but cause they Want to.
I'm quite happy to be in NYJC because at least I've managed to meet friends who make me smile when I'm sad, make me laugh when I'm feeling down.
I'm so thankful for all of them.

I received my results today.
I wouldn't say it was totally horrible, slightly better than I expected, but not satisfactory.
I passed GP, Math and Econs, but I failed Chem and I expect to fail Physics as well though I haven't gotten my Paper 1 back yet.
It's that fear of retaining yet again.
Because if I fail H2 Chem and H1 Physics, Javier said I may be conditionally promoted.
But I can't help but feel so worried.
I'm worried my teacher may not conditionally promote me.
I mean I talk a lot in class & I'm not exactly what u call a best student, neither am I any Teacher's Pet.
So yeap.
And well, I did really really well for GP in Midyears, I managed to get one of the highest in the cohort even, so naturally I would want to maintain that standard or do even better. So I guess I had higher hopes for GP for Promos. So you could've guessed that I was rather demoralized and disheartened when I JUST managed to pass for GP.
I'm sorry guys, I mean I know some of you who may not have done well for GP who are reading this now may be thinking like "What the hell is she thinking? At least she passed."
I know. I really know I should be thankful. But I guess sometimes it's just the greed that I could have done much better.
Surprisingly, I did quite well for Math and managed to get a B.
But I guess I should also be thankful for the fact that I really did put in effort for Math considering the fact that it used to be my best and favorite subject and alarm bells rang after mid years when I failed Math.
No doubt I cried today when I received my Chemistry paper. I mean, I did mentally prepare myself to fail that paper since I already knew when I was doing the paper. But as I saw the people around me happy that they had passed, I started to feel scared, worried. I was worried I would not be able to promote together with these people around me.
No, I'm not trying to say that I wish those people around me failed together with me, I'm really happy that they passed the paper & that they have done well. It's just that it shows my standard is really not on par with my peers, and that caused me to feel really afraid. Like what if they don't moderate chem?
That means I won't get a chance to increase chances of promoting.

Ugh. Thinking about all these just makes me feel like crying all over again.

I've been feeling so upset and stressed these few days. I wish I had someone I could just pour out all my woes and complaints to. Someone I can trust and someone who won't judge me for what I say or do.

It's really difficult to find that someone whom you can trust for life, or just someone whom u can trust with ur secrets and fears. It's so difficult, I know.
I think for me, I don't have anyone whom I fully trust.
I guess I used to have, but I have learnt, that having someone u trust is like giving someone a gun to put at your head and trusting that they won't pull the trigger. It's that risky.
I guess I won't have anyone I would fully trust. At least not in the near future.

Enough of the sad stuff now.

Guess who's the upcoming Birthday girl??
Teehee *raises hand high up in the air* (:

If you guys don't know, GO CHECK FACEBOOK! HAHAHAHA.
I don't know if it's cause I've really become more mature or what.
But I feel like I'm starting to not want so many things and I'm looking more towards being satisfied with my current lifestyle and what I already have.
For example, my birthday wish this year is gonna simply be (& I'm not even kidding):
May my family be continuously blessed with good health and happiness and may all my loved ones including all my beloved friends be blessed abundantly, and I wish my results would help me promote to become a J2 successfully.

I guess I've learnt not to expect too much from others, because the more you expect, the more disappointment you get in the end. It's just like the higher you jump, the harder you fall.
I'm sorry for sounding so pessimistic but it's what I've learnt from life.
What goes Up, Must come Down.

Okay but I mean as an average TEENAGE GIRL, I still wish for some stuff for my birthday HINTS! & I'm sorry if most of the items may be expensive HEHE!
Wishlist:
Polaroid
Clothes (Dresses, long skirts, tank tops)
A cute soft toy to add to my collection to accompany me to bed at night
iPhone 5 (LOOKS AT MA DAD. HEHE kidding la dey ;) )
A nice meal at a posh restaurant (the menu preferably MUST include Chicken ah heh!)
Shoes (Heels. Heels. Heels.)
Bags
iPhone Casing

Hahaha Yeapyeaps!
Thanks to Es who has already given me her early b'day present for me! Hehe! (:

& Thanks to my favorite and beloved aunt and uncle who came down from Penang just to celebrate my birthday with me this year. (:
They've booked the Festive Hotel for me near USS, so I'll be staying over with them for the weekend and I can enjoy myself at USS etc and all the other stuff I can do with them! (:

Haha okay at least I ended my blogpost on a happy note! :D
Thanks to you people who stayed with me & read my rants and complaints all the way till here!
Hehe more updates next time! (:

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I wish to be happy.